Welcome to part 3 of my 4 part blog-series on cultivating self-compassion and overcoming your inner critic!

In part 1 we looked at just what our inner critic is, and how it can be extremely damaging to our mental health and sense of happiness and wellbeing.

And in part 2, we looked at just what self-compassion is exactly, how it differs from self-esteem, and the 3 core components of self-compassion: mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity.

In this week’s post, we’re getting straight into the nitty-gritty of how to get started practicing self-compassion with 2 useful tools: a self-compassion mantra as well as a Tibetan type of meditation called Tonglen.

A Mantra For Self-Compassion

In Dr Kristin Neff’s groundbreaking book, Self Compassion, she recommends reciting a short mantra which can quickly allow you to mindfully acknowledge your suffering, recognize your shared humanity and extend warmth and kindness to yourself. It only takes a few seconds to recite and can be used throughout a busy day when you experience acute moments of difficulty, stress or frustration.

This is a self-compassion mantra I have written that you can use:

I see that I am suffering right now,

I know that it is a part of life,

And I embrace it with acceptance and kindness.

Or, another version:

I recognize that this moment is painful,

I know that being human isn’t easy,

And I give myself love and compassion.

Feel free to write your own self-compassion mantra in your journal if you prefer, just be sure that it encompasses the 3 aspects of: acknowledging your suffering or difficulty, your shared humanity and the extension of compassion towards yourself.

Adding in Self-Compassionate Touch: An Oxytocin Hack

Studies have shown that if we touch ourselves in a soothing way, for example stroking our own hand or arm or even giving ourselves a hug, we can activate our contentment/soothing system and switch off our stress response, so you may want to add in a soothing, self-compassionate gesture of affection towards yourself as you recite your mantra for an extra dose of the love and wellbeing hormone, oxytocin.

 A Tonglen Practice for Self-Compassion

Tonglen is an ancient Tibetan Buddhist practice which loosely translates as “Giving and Taking” or “Sending and Receiving”. It is used to help cultivate compassion for our own suffering and the suffering of others, and for the purpose of this subject, we’re going to use it in the context of developing self-compassion in particular.

As covered in part 2 of this series, self-compassion requires 3 components: Mindfulness, Self-Kindness and an understanding of our Shared Humanity or Interconnectedness. Tonglen is an excellent tool, because it encompasses all of these, and can be used quickly in the moment when you are experiencing suffering or strong emotions, particularly if you are judging yourself harshly.

How to Practice Tonglen:

Step 1: Breathe in and fully feel the feelings you are experiencing (without getting caught up in mental stories/thought patterns associated with the feelings.)

Step 2: Breathe out whatever you feel is needed to soothe these feelings in yourself (eg love, tenderness, self-kindness, spaciousness, calm etc)

Step 3: Take a moment to imagine all the people on the planet right now who may be struggling with the very same difficult feelings you are experiencing, and realise that you are not the only one experiencing this.

Step 4: Breathe in and fully experience these feelings both for yourself and on behalf of all people feeling like this.

Step 5: Breathe out whatever you feel is needed to soothe both your own pain and that of others. Imagine that you are soothing yourself and all humans that are also suffering in this way.

A specific example:

Let’s say you are looking in the mirror and you disapprove of something about yourself physically. You catch yourself thinking some mean, judgmental thoughts about it, and notice feelings of shame, unworthiness and not being good enough.

Step 1: Let go of any thoughts and simply breathe in and experience fully those feelings of shame and unworthiness.

Step 2: Breathe out whatever you feel you need to soothe yourself – perhaps self-acceptance or appreciation of yourself, or simply compassion for your suffering.

Step 3: Take a moment to imagine all the other people on the planet right now, who may be looking in the mirror and judging themselves harshly at this very moment, who are all feeling inadequate or not good enough, recognizing that you are not the only one who feels this way, that it is a very common human experience.

Step 4: Breathe in your feelings of shame and unworthiness again, and also imagine that you are breathing in all of the shame and unworthiness of anyone else feeling like you in this moment.

Step 5. Breathe out your soothing feeling (acceptance/appreciation/compassion etc) for yourself and feel those feelings for everyone else who is suffering from the same feelings right now.

Practice Tonglen several times until you get the hang of it, and then use it often throughout your day whenever you’re experiencing difficult emotions or any form of suffering to self-soothe, switch on the contentment/soothing system in the brain, and reduce feelings of alienation and isolation.

And now over to you! Have a go at one of these practices and share in the comments below: How did it make you feel? Did you find it easy or challenging? Is there a specific issue you’re struggling with that you think practicing these tools may help with?

And of course, be sure to share this post with any loved ones who could do with some self-compassion right now – sharing is caring!