Let’s get real for a sec, shall we…who really wants to forgive? I know in me at least, there is a little part of my ego that wants to grip onto my grievances for dear-life, as if they’re some grotesque booby prize proving that I was “right” and they were “wrong”, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna forgive them and therefore let them “off the hook” or say it’s ok to be hurtful/rude/ignorant/whatever. And let’s not  forget that our egoic-self loves to constructs it’s sense of identity from our past stories and experiences – and who would we be without these characters and dramas?

But a wiser part of me also knows that one of the biggest blocks to feeling happy and connected to the present moment is carrying around past pain and holding onto these very grievances. So please don’t think I’m being preachy here when I write about forgiveness, this is something I’ve definitely struggled with and still do, but I’m willing at least to try to see my difficult relationships differently…I’m starting to see them as a spiritual practice to teach me how to become more loving, open and free. 

And it’s not the only reason I am using forgiveness as a spiritual practice…there are definitely more selfish reasons too! Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.[1] The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.[2]Another study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses, while the less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.[3]

Ever since learning about the work of Louise Hay many years ago, (how our thoughts and emotions can effect our bodies) I have known that holding onto resentment is toxic for the body and mind, indeed the Buddha famously said that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” – the Buddha

Holding onto grievances causes us to keep the pain inside ALIVE and truly becomes baggage, as we carry it on and on through the years. 

A few wise teachers are helping me on my path of forgiving more easily. Eckhart Tolle, one of my favourites, has helped me to see people’s actions and words as separate from who they truly are. He teaches that at our core, we are each pure awareness, but we have an unconscious “pain body” of stored emotions and reactive thoughts that can get triggered, causing us to judge, criticize and attack – this is the realm of the ego, and as I have shared many times before, the ego is not who we really are.

I remember an argument I got into some years ago…I felt hurt and attacked by the person and in my mind I “wrote them off” as an ignorant, ‘bad’ person and elevated myself to the noble, right, ‘good’ person. My opinion of them reduced so much that any compassion or sense of openness I may have had towards them completely dried up as I replayed our words to each other over and over in my mind – as I continued to hurt myself with their words again and again.

When I finally recognized how much this was robbing me of my inner peace, I knew I had to look at it in a different way. I realised my holier than thou judgement of them was also hurtful and unfair…and even untrue in the larger sense. I had strayed from compassion by reducing the beautiful, unknowable totality of that person to my limited mental perception. Because they are not their conditioning, their words, their actions, their beliefs or their pain-body.  

While understanding these philosophies on an intellectual level can be easy to grasp, when there is deep pain and severely troubled relationships sometimes we need something more practical. In these situations I turn to another teacher, Byron Katie, founder of a process known as “The Work”. While not only helpful for forgiveness specifically, her technique helps with any thought or belief that causes us suffering. Given that most of our resentments are based on mental judgements, stories and perceptions, The Work takes us through a simple questioning process to expand our view and see the situation or person differently…it can an incredible eye-opener and truly transformational. It can take a little bit of practice to get the hang of it and her book “Loving What Is” goes into it in depth, however the whole process is also available for free on her website. If you have that niggling pain or grievance you just haven’t been able to let go of, I invite you to check it out “The Work” here.

I also love to read inspiring stories of people who have been through horrific experiences where it would seem almost impossible to forgive and seeing how these people found the strength to do so and how it enabled them to heal. The Forgiveness Projects’ Stories for a Vengeful Age was one I read recently that I would highly recommend.

It’s important to recognise that forgiveness isn’t necessarily a one and done thing – feelings are not static and some days it can be easier than others, which is why it needs to be an ongoing practice. But having that willingness to let go of our grievances, ironically sets us free and is a profound act of self-care. It is also completely necessary on a global scale if we are ever to create a more peaceful planet.

I’ve included a complete lesson on forgiveness as spiritual practice along with a guided forgiveness meditation in The Calmer Mind Course – enrollment is opening up again soon, so jump on the wait-list if you’d like to take part in this wonderful program to create more joy and inner peace in your life.

And in the comments below, I’d love to hear from you: have you been able to forgive? How did it make you feel? Or is forgiveness something you’ve struggled with?